I have been vulnerable in the past about my mental health struggles and I know that I want to share in hopes of relating to others. I have had many highs and growth in the last couple years, holding on to an ounce of hope that the rollercoaster of progression would eventually stay upward. Realistically everyone has different stories and journeys; some may not struggle as much and some may go a few years with upward progress to only be brought down temporarily by change. This is my truth and I hope to shed some light on the reality of how powerful the mind can be on an individual.
I would envy the people that could keep it hiding so well, being high functioning while struggling, but that is just not who I am all the time. I have had days where I feel as if I can’t ever get out of bed. Laying there lifeless for hours on end hiding behind my Netflix account. Work starts to slip, and I play the game of avoidance, doubting myself in every way possible. For example, today I had one of those episodes where I needed to close myself off in my room, away from people and daily tasks. I put my running, coursework, and planning off to wallow in my own thoughts. It can get to the point where I can spend an hour in the shower crying like that is another safe place for me or something. This causes me not to put myself out there with things such as meeting new people, or being social for that matter. Being in my head sounds a lot better sometimes versus surrounding myself with people. My medicine has made me numb to any emotions, which is frustrating because I don’t want to go through life feeling like a zombie but I also don’t want to spend everyday as an emotional wreck. I tried to go down in dosage, that worked for awhile, but the panic and feelings of helplessness started to creep in the past month and it leaves you feeling defeated.
That basically describes a typical episode of my experience with my depression. Some days are fine, but recently I have felt myself experiencing more symptoms. I keep asking myself, why me? Why can’t I just have a life of feeling confident, care free, and outgoing? Instead I hide and try to play it safe to avoid any more hurt. I recently went through a life change that has put me in a brand new season. The funny thing is it wasn’t the event that left me feeling this way. I thought things were for the best and I was becoming a brand new person who will build their confidence. Well the feelings/thoughts started flooding in. I recently spoke with a friend who gave me insight on the impact of change. Maybe I wasn’t upset over recent events, but more so the change in my life. I had a routine going and to have something significant cause myself to start over can really do a number on a person. Its like the constant questioning of who are you really as a person. It's difficult navigating a new normal, but with support and putting one foot forward even through the hurt, can put you on a path to finding yourself again.
Change is scary and I wanted for so long to play safe in a limbo state, but it's necessary to find yourself and grow in many ways you thought you never would. For those who can relate, just know I hear you and feel the pain that you can feel when mental health carries a burden in your life. Do not be discouraged on feeling the pain again after a long absence. It's just a part of the process. You sure as hell are stronger than the bitch that depression is. Keep fighting my friends.
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