How To Train Like a Boss
Okay, you’ve heard from our pros and you've diligently read all their training tips…sleep, hydration, rest, nutrition. They're casting off pearls of wisdom like the queen divas they are. But let’s face it, you’re no pro and neither am I. We have jobs! And desks! We have work lives…you know, that don’t include massages, daily naps, and coaches that patiently hold stop watches while shouting firm but nurturing words as we ascend to athletic superiority.
So herewith forthwith, something for the rest of us…how to train like a Boss:
We all know email is like wearing a psychic sumo suit…with each step you feel the massive weight, the beastly burden. Eliminate this unnecessary brain drain with my email deletion workout! 1) Search and select all messages with the words “pick your brain,” “5 minutes of your time,” and/or improper usage of your/you’re or their/they’re 2) hit delete. There that was easy. Now you’re getting warmed up!
Follow the leader.
Just like track workouts, it’s easier to tuck in and stare at someone’s backside than actually set the pace. So look around, see who's alert, has their shoes on the right feet, and simply follow them around the office. (Tip: during this workout, keep in mind that while looking at someone’s ass with a fixed gaze works brilliantly during track workouts, in the office it will at best get you known as the “creepy girl,” and at worst get you written up with HR.)
Meetings are drills.
No one wants to go to meetings, and no one wants to do drills. But if you don’t do either, you’ll find yourself running a 9-minute mile at the Olympic Trials. Tips for making your meeting drills more fun: 1) really try to “win” each move; meetings are all about increasing your perceived value and looking smarter than others, 2) introduce the drill no one’s heard of and simply follow its name with “black box” or “Swedish method,” 3) The hard stuff is always solved during the last 5 minutes of any meeting, so simply excuse yourself for the restroom at that time.
Just like running, recovery requires some planning. So even if you’re farting around, you should diligently cultivate the appearance of earning your spot on the payroll. Industry conferences, working lunches, off-site meetings, and team building exercises are all great ways to help you log junk miles and recover on the company dime!
Don’t be a half stepper.
There’s nothing more annoying than the long run half-stepper. Even if you lack enough self-awareness to believe that you know all the answers, it’s still better to get there as a team. And remember, just like running, the half-stepper solution is to hold your pace and let them go. They’ll come back eventually.
Have a weekly run that leaves at 6:30pm? Those who arrive at 6:32pm need to be reminded that 2 minutes is the difference between a BQ time and being a nobody runner who will never amount to anything and probably already hasn’t and should just give up now.
That’s it! I hope you find these useful. If not, you should! After all, I’m the boss.