When I saw Oiselle came out with swim, I had something I needed to take care of first...breakup with my old suit, Sparkle Tankini.
Me: So I just saw that Oiselle has come out with a new line of swimwear.
Sparkle Tankini: Oh. (sounding hurt)
Me: Sparkle Tankini, we have to talk.
ST: I can’t talk. I’m a swimsuit. A tankini. With sparkles, bitch.
Me: But you just said “Oh.” I heard you. And you just called me a bitch.
ST: (tries to give me the silent treatment, but caves) Who the hell is Oiselle? Sounds French. What are you, now, Eurotrash? I thought you were just plain white Midwestern trash. The kind that likes sparkles on her clothes.
Me: Sparkle, we have been together for over a decade. We have been on a honeymoon in Antigua. We have been in hot tubs with Kenyan professional runners. We have rung in New Years in other hot tubs. We have contracted wicked rashes in yet other hot tubs. We have done pool workouts in tears when injured. We have pranced, and strutted, and aquajogged.
ST: (sniffling back tears) I have a feeling there is a “but” coming.
Me: Yes, there is a but. Actually a butt. Your butt. My butt. Our collective butt coverage. Your elastic is starting to wear really thin.
ST: Your elastic is starting to wear thin. Have you seen the wrinkles on your face lately?
Me: You don’t have to resort to personal attacks, Sparkle T. I know I don’t look the same as I used to, either. But I can’t buy a new face, and apparently I can buy a new swimsuit.
ST: Actually you can buy a new face. Ever heard of a facelift? Or even microdermabrasion?
Me: (sighing) I think we’re straying too far from the point here. I wasn’t even going to tell you, because I knew you’d react like this. I am going to buy a new Oiselle swimsuit. I think it’s time. I promise I’ll keep you, though—I could never throw you out. We have too much history.
ST: Does your new swimsuit have… sparkles?
Me: No, I wouldn’t do that to you.
ST: Well, then what is supposed to distract from your flat chest?! I had my sparkles to wow the crowds, so instead of thinking, “Is that a boy wearing a tankini?” people thought, “Now SHE looks like fun! Look at them sparkles!”
Me: Well, it has stripes. I guess those will have to do. It’s okay, Sparkle, you don’t have to worry about me. I’ll just rely on my sparkling personality.
ST: (several minutes of hysterical laughter follow, until ST can finally catch her breath) Au revoir and bon chance, Eurotrash Chicken!
Because you know you wanted to see what Sparkle Tankini looks like...