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May 17, 2019

Bridal Bullshit

First off, let me just say that I am indeed excited to get married THIS June, woah. I’m excited for my wedding day, I’m excited to - cue all the cheese - commit to many joyous (also some inevitably hard) years with my best friend since 14. All great things… but after coming across some bridal focused articles I couldn't help but notice that my wedding prep seemed a little different than what was being recommended.

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Recommendation: "There are two key reasons to get a pro skin doc in your corner early on: One, they can assess your complexion's current state way better than you and your trusty magnifying mirror. And two, they can help you devise a strategy for achieving your dream-skin goals, be it softening pesky forehead wrinkles or zapping acne. "Some treatments take time—up to several months—and you certainly want a game plan," says Engelman.
When: 1 year out" - How to Plan and Start a Wedding Beauty Regimen

1 year out: I was just engaged… and drinking far too much whisky to celebrate. But I did buy this $6 Trader Joes Jojoba Oil and Acai Facial Scrub so I’m pretty sure I’ll have the skin of a goddess. 

Recommendation: Pay attention to your décolletage.
"Not only is it a notorious sun-magnet, but the décolletage is also prone to wrinkling for another reason, says Beverly Hills dermatologist Dr. Harold Lancer: Tissue-thin skin. "The skin of the neck and chest has a very different structure than that of the face and body," 
When: 1 year out for retinol; 6 months out for Rx retinoid; 3 months out for your first of 2 to 4 microdermabrasion treatments" - How to Plan and Start a Wedding Beauty Regimen

1 year out: Still… just got engaged, and WTF is a “décolletage” it sounds like a fancy French pastry in which case I want a very large “décolletage” but I’ll pass on the retinoid and microdermabrasion treatment (If I can’t say the word five times in a row it doesn't seem like a recreational treatment).

Recommendation: One Week Prior Practice Restraint 
"Try to avoid salty foods, excessive carbohydrates, and do not overdo your exercise in the week before your wedding as all of these things cause your body to retain water and can result in a puffy face and eyes" - Vogue's Wedding Beauty Countdown

One Week Prior

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*Explicitly listed in my planner* “
Race the Evergreen Half Marathon - try to break 1:20, followed by eating lots of pancakes”.  Hello puffy skin, my old friend.

Recommendation: “You can get your body in shape without lifting a weight or walking a mile (though both will help relieve stress and whittle away at the inches). From the inside, a daily multivitamin can work wonders on a range of ills -- from digestive issues to sleeping problems to frayed nerves” - Bridal Beauty: Head-to-Toe Prep Guide

*runs all the miles, lifts many of the weights* *never takes a multivitamin*

Recommendation: Do remember to bring your own bottle to the nail salon. 
“Even if the dreamy color you picked is a salon staple, it's always a good idea to come prepared with your own bottle of polish just in case your color isn't there or the bottle they have is old (which will always expedite the chipping process on your nails). It's better to be safe than sorry.” - The 8 Major Do's and Don'ts of Bridal Nails  

So you want me, a woman who never gets her nails done to walk in with my $4 Walgreens nail polish and say to these professionals “no thank you, your 125 color options don’t really work for me”? Now that’s just disrespectful. 


Moral of the story here… there’s no set “wedding preparation” or certain way to have a wedding, or of course, the perfectly suitable choice of no wedding at all! Ball out, or keep it small. Elope, or make it a big homecoming. Dress it up it in gowns, or dress up in these:

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In the words of Beyoncé “middle fingers up, hold them hands high”. 

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Comments

kelsie | May 17, 2019 at 12:47pm

love.

the bridal industry is SO BANANAS with all of their rules and preps and ALL. THE. THINGS. you must do. i wish i hadn't bothered to even get my hair done - i paid $200 and we hiked in the rain. i nearly forgot to paint my nails, and i feel pretty lucky that i didn't smudge them getting dressed in the morning, 5 minutes after painting them myself with my $4 bottle. i think your plan sounds like a perfect plan - because it's you. get that time, girl. and yes! to pancakes, always.

Ali | May 18, 2019 at 8:26pm

Oh and don’t forget the “don

Oh and don’t forget the “don’t lift too heavy of weights, you can not have big muscles in a dress” and my favorite from my dress fitter, “maybe you should stop running so you can have a bigger chest on your special day” GIRL WHAT! I’m proud of my flat chest, and I know girls have different chest sizes regardless of physical activity levels BUT I am not going to stop running for any reason, much less a superficial one!!