Over the past 9 months I’ve sometimes felt like I’m falling apart, and frequently like I’m about to fall apart. I’m being held together only by the finest, but bizarrely strong, thread made of guilt, fear, determination, hope, and even shame. I feel totally overwhelmed with the demands of motherhood, of the unbelievable physical and emotional exhaustion involved in caring for a newborn. But even more so, I feel overwhelmed by a sense of loss – losing all choice, freedom, the ability to walk away. Then, I have crushing resentment and anguish for what my life has become and my inability to change it, to change my mind. The baby that I had so excitedly and hopefully awaited is here, yet I am embarrassed that I miss my old life. Even as I love him. It is confusing and continues to cause me serious inner turmoil.
June 28, 2019